


If you know what I mean

by LadyProto



Series: Incommunicado [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Dick Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Dirty Talk, Gen, Humor, Innuendo, Locker room talks, Sex Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 05:04:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7604674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyProto/pseuds/LadyProto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Washington doesn't know how to fluff a Garfield, and York comes face to face with Maine's one man army.</p><p>...if you know what I mean.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If you know what I mean

**Author's Note:**

> Basically locker room talk and a large surprise.

"I think he stayed up too late feeding the kitty, if you know what I mean."

Washington had just groggily stumbled to the locker room to start his morning, so the conversation startled him. He blinked away the sleep on his heavy eyelids and stared glassy-eyed at his two tormentors.

North and York stood in front of Washington, one on either side of him. The pair stared down at him with goofy grins. They'd obviously just come from the shower stalls and water dripped heavily from York's torso. North stayed back a little and towel dried his blond curls. York's lips twitched up deviously. 

"What?" Wash hadn't really registered what was being said to him. Something about a cat? He was tired. Spending so much time in space has really messed up his day and night cycles. He sank heavily into the locker room bench with another stretched-out yawn.

"Or were you just buttering your own corn, if you know what I mean?"

Washington's yawn ended prematurely with a confused yelp. York had apparently moved closer during Washington's yawn. He nearly fell off the bench at the shock of seeing York's towel covered body so close to him.

They'd scared him on purpose it seemed. Or at least York had. North chided his companion. "Leave the new kid alone." North didn't hide his smirk, but at least his words were kind.

"Hey, man, I'm just wondering," York stuck his tongue out and waggled his eyebrows as he stepped back from Washington. "Was it Connie?" York teased.

Washington still stared up blankly. He had been awake less than ten minutes and he was already lost to what was going on. Something had happened to Connie, her cat and some corn apparently. He wondered if he should be concerned. Connie was the youngest after all and the girl freelancers could be brutal. But York's mischievously ringing voice told Washington there was something he wasn't quite getting.

"Come on man! Are you peeling the peach?" York taunted, making lip smacking gestures to mimic eating.

North cut in and turned to York."Now you're just making stuff up."

And now another curveball. Washington twisted his head like a puzzled dog. Now he just wanted some peaches. Fresh fruit was hard to come by up here, and given the chance Washington could destroy a fruit bowl. But the ship ran mostly on MRE's; those horrible nutrition on-the-go bricks. When they did have fresh stuff, Maine would cut a bitch for a salad. And no one wanted to fight Maine.

Maine was in the corner, watching the shenanigans with passivity. Washington could swear that the larger man was grinning.

"I bet she has some great bazookas, if you know what I mean." York grabbed something invisible and round in the air in front of him and juggled them back and forth. "Or I guess pistols?" He shrunk the size of the whatever-it-was in between hands.

"Seriously, York?" North was the voice of reason again, even if he did chuckle. "Did you write these down?"

York grinned -- genuinely this time -- enjoying the back handed compliment. "Yeah and I know you get it. I bet even Maine gets it, don't ya big guy?"

They turn their attention away from Wash and he breathed a sigh of relief. Were they messing with him? Had he had some kind of head injury? Oh god, was he stroking out? Cats? Corn? Guns? Peaches? It was like world's worst mad-libs.

Maine shook his head, dismissing the comment easily. Maine was a big guy. He didn't say a lot but his voice could shake the ground. Maybe that's why he stayed quiet.

Instead of admitting defeat, York pushed his taunts. He made a show of putting his foot on the bench next to Maine. York’s towel hiked up. Washington was sure that York was barely covered, if at all. "Are you really trying to tell me that none of these lovely ladies up here sharpen your pencil?"

North laughed louder this time. "Okay. Now that was a good one."

"Yeah, you like that? You should give it a try," York turned with a wink, but didn't move away from Maine.

North pursed his lips. "Uh..., hey baby, I can.....hmm" he stammered, pulling a standard gray shirt over his head as a way of stalling. "....sugar your donuts?"

York shook his head dismissively. "Man, better leave that to us professionals, right Maine?" York turned back to the larger man. "I'm sure you've got women? Men?...People? Lined up to turn your floppy into a hard drive."

Washington stared at the exchanged with an open mouth. Even Maine was playing along with them. Wash tried to think of things that York, Maine and North would have in common. There was so many inside jokes involved here, Washington could tell by the glints in his companion's eyes. He hadn’t even bothered to dress yet, too busy studying the three men's interaction. Washington was stumped.

Maine shook his head. "Too big."

"Heh," York's mouth crept into a knowing smile, thrilled that he'd gotten someone to banter with him. He pushed away from Maine's bench and twirled to face North and Wash. "Oh come on now, you know ladies LOVE to climb a tree."

Washington rolled his eyes. Now this was just getting ridiculous. There were no trees in space.

North offered an explanation. "I mean, he's right. If she's tiny then there could be an issue. But if she's tall like South -"

"Dude. Don't bring your sister into this. That's gross." York rolled his eyes before he continued. "I mean, North is kind of right. It can be awkward when the other person is like, a full foot shorter than you." He turned to face Maine. York drew a line with his hand from the top of his head to the top of Maine's. Maine and York were the same height even though Maine was sitting. "Or I guess in your case like, three feet taller than the chick. But it can work out if you're creative with your positioning,"

Maine kept gaze down, pretending to fiddle with his weapon of choice. Was the man blushing? Washington couldn't tell exactly, but Maine hung his head and looked almost ashamed. Maybe he was embarrassed. "Body too big."

North cut in again with his level-headed analysis. Washington listened, trying to pick up on some context clues. "I'm going to have to agree with Maine here. My bulk is in my upper body. I could easily squish a smaller person, and if you're juggling too many things at once, well--”

"When have you ever cleaned the foxhole with anyone?" York cut in, finally getting dressed. "And no, getting shot by your sister's bayonet doesn't count."

Maine finally looked up, locking eyes with the three other men in turn. "Body. Too. Big."

North and York looked at each other in confusion but something in Washington's brain finally snapped the puzzle pieces together. "Oh oh oh! I get it!" Washington exclaimed, flapping his arms up and down in excitement. "I had sex last night!" He pointed to his own chest. He hadn’t commented on the banter until now so the sudden outburst caused the other three men to turn in shock.

"You banged your twin sister!" Washington pointed at North. "You think Connie has small boobs," and lastly Washington pointed to Maine. "His body is too big! Maine has a huge dick! He can't feed the kitty! Maine has a huge dick!"

The three men in the locker room stood locked in place at the graceless outburst. It had suddenly gotten very quiet. Washington still stood awkwardly on the bench with his arm out pointing towards Maine.

Maine finally went red faced. York and North turned to Maine with varying degrees of open jaws. Maine’s a big guy, sure, but...

Maine silently scooped up his equipment, and avoided eye contact, and swiftly abandoned the locker room. North shook his head of the memory and shrugged off the implications. Washington slowly lowered his arm from its point, relaxing his hand beside him. York still hadn't recovered.

"I guess that's why his suit always looks so much roomier in the crotch." York remarked snidely. His eyes widened, as he came to some horrible conclusion. "I think I'm afraid of his brute shot, if ya know what I mean."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm totally out of my element trying to write humor.


End file.
